Making the most of your retirement while caring for ageing parents

While it might not be your vision of an epic retirement it really can be a precious gift to be able give a caring parent a good old-age.

Hi Bec. I love the podcasts and get a lot out of it. However as a 66 year old retiree , I like many of my friends spend my time caring for my ageing parent and parent in law who wish to live at home , "independently" . This is not the epic retirement I envision but one I may be left with for many years to come. Could you do an episode on how to make the most of this situation as I feel it would be very useful to a lot of people who I know for sure are in exactly the same boat.

Thanks, Lorraine

A great letter Lorraine. Indeed I think many people struggle with this. So I’ve done a longer feature on it.

Making the most of your retirement while caring for ageing parents

We all dream of a retirement jam packed with leisure, travel, and long-awaited free time to pursue some passions. But the reality of long lives also means our parents are living longer, and at some point they can become quite a responsibility. While it might not be your vision of an epic retirement it really can be a precious gift to be able give a caring parent a good old-age. The key is to find the ways you can make the most of your situation, ensuring your wellbeing is still a priority, and you properly set yourselves and your loved ones up with some balance, if you can.

There’s a few points to consider, even if you planned for this.

Get your head around the new normal

All-too-often we recognise the decline in health of our loved ones a little too late to get them into suitable housing or access to care packages that will support them in an ongoing manner, leaving them dependent on us for their final years.

Whether your caring role was planned or unplanned, it can be tough to work through the animosity you feel for the caring process interrupting what were meant to be your best retirement years. But reframe it. It really can be a precious time, caring for those who have cared for you all your life. And there are ways to get some of your dreams in too. You just might have to delay or reframe them.

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Prioritise self-care

Please put your own physical and mental health first. Ensure you maintain regular exercise, eat a healthy and balanced diet, and ensure you get adequate sleep. Your body’s health is paramount. You don’t want to blame these months or years for it going down hill and resenting that later.

Then, really take action on things that are good for your mental health like reading, gardening or spending time with your friends. Don’t hesitate to seek out a counsellor or support group to help you navigate the caregiving role which at times can feel overwhelming and lonely.

Create a support network

There’s a few steps to this one. First, getting other members of your family to take on some of the responsibility. Balance it equally if you can. And second, to put in place professional support so you can get a break.

a) Involve others in the family: Be purposeful in engaging other members of the family in the caregiving process. This allows your load to be lighter, and it’s also good for the whole family, strengthening the bonds. It can be tempting to martyr yourself if your siblings are not as engaged with the caring process, but this will just make it much harder for you to achieve balance in your life, so please resist it.

b) Seek paid support and respite care: Look around for appropriate professional caregivers who can come to the home; as well as respite care options so they can go and stay on-site under professional care for short periods. This can allow you to plan for short breaks to recharge, or even to take a 1-2 week holiday if your loved one's health is manageable.

Foster some independence

Encourage your parents to maintain their independence as much as possible. This not only benefits their mental health but can also reduce your caregiving burden. Small adaptations to their home can make a significant difference, such as installing grab bars, improving lighting, and ensuring easy access to frequently used items. Embrace care in the home, meals that are home-delivered, and even get discuss with the idea of visiting respite care for a period of time if you are unable to come and help. (I know, it’s often not that easy - but try).

Stay actively connected

All too often we retreat from our social circles during difficult times. But I urge you not to. Maintaining social connections is crucial for both you and your parents. Encourage them to stay engaged with their friends and community and support them to do so. For yourself, continue to nurture your social life. Regular interaction with your friends can give you something to look forward to and can provide a much-needed break and emotional support.

Create and cherish the moments/ consider a collaborative project

I love this. One of our Epic Retirement community members said he spent some of the latter years of his father’s life tracing his family history, sharing his discoveries with his dad as he did it. They would talk, pore over photographs and news clippings and capture old memories. And not long before his father died, he published it into a printed book. He treasures that time spent together now.

While caregiving can be challenging, it’s also an opportunity to create lasting memories with your parents. Cherish the small moments of joy and connection. Whether it’s a shared meal, a walk in the park, or simply reminiscing about the past, these moments can be incredibly rewarding.

Seek out types of fulfillment you can achieve now

Adjust your expectations of retirement for now. Your parents or loved ones won’t need caring forever, and if they do, you’ll eventually find more permanent solutions. So while you are in this phase, make some new, temporary plans and seek fulfillment in new ways. This might include learning a new skill, take up a weekly volunteering gig doing something you’re passionate about, or starting a small project. You could even set yourself a little challenge, setting yourself a future goal to travel to a foreign-speaking country you’ve always wanted to learn the language of, and using the time you are caregiving to take language lessons. You can do this on an app like Duo Lingo at home, or join a local language school and make friends with others doing the same. Whatever you do, make an effort, in the same way you would chase your epic retirement, to find activities that you can integrate into your caregiving routine, allowing you to pursue your passions without compromising your responsibilities.

It’s not going to be easy, but it won’t be forever, so make some temporary plans and keep on working towards that epic retirement. It’s just going to take a different course to the way you originally envisioned it.

Add to the comments some of the lessons you’ve learned if you’ve been trying to balance your epic retirement dreams with caring for a loved one.