The tension of shared couple goals and individual goals at retirement - age gap included
This week, in response to an email from Sheryl, I talk about couple goals, individual goals within couples and goals for couples with age gaps too.
In this week’s edition we cover:
Feature: Letter time + The tension of shared couple goals and individual goals at retirement - age gap included
The upcoming 6 week Epic Retirement Course
From Bec’s Desk: Lots goin’ on
Prime Time: Life lessons from Australia’s most trusted GP: Dr Kerryn Phelps
Letter time!
Hi Bec, I've really been enjoying your podcasts and all the guest speakers, you all have great knowledge and wisdom to impart.
Most information about retirement is for either singles or couples retiring within a couple of years from each other.
My question is if there's a large age gap for instance 15 years, how do we go about our epic retirement?
Hoping you can shed some light on this. Kind regards and keep up the good work.
Sheryl
Hey Sheryl. This is an awesome question. And today I’ve written a whole article about couple goals, individual goals and how these work in an age gap to get you thinking. I hope it helps! Bec Xx
The tension of shared couple goals and individual goals at retirement - age gap included
Before I dive into talking about life with an age gap, I think I should talk about the bigger picture for couple-goals in retirement, and frankly in pre-retirement too. Navigating shared goals is something all couples have to do, and it’s a really personal process and one we don’t talk about much.
Retiring as a part of a couple means a few things to me. These may differ for you.
The opportunity to do life together, sharing the experiences, hardships, joys and adaptations that makes life what it is. We share the happiness and we share the tough times too, working together to make the best of things. We share sickness and we share health - remember.
The opportunity to share the costs with someone, which, let’s face it, is a pretty good thing. We know it is easier financially to be a part of a couple in retirement, simply because so many of the costs of life are household costs. And, when we share costs, we also share assets and income, drawing on our collective savings to retire.
The opportunity to help each other fulfil your individual goals, as well as live out your shared goals. This is possibly the most tricky of the three because it relies on honest, open communication about our individual goals, and it also relies on you having a picture of yourself as an individual. It also relies on you having enough in common to build shared goals.
Knowing this, there’s a few things to work through for any couple looking ahead into retirement.
You need to think about the things you want from the years ahead.
You need to understand the things your partner wants from the years ahead too.
And, alongside this, you need to discuss and build shared visions of what you both want together.
There will be the need to compromise or agree to do things independently, if you both want different things and can’t find common ground. And, at all points, finances have to factor into the logic too.
I’m no psychologist, but years of researching your prime time and retirement years points to this time as a time of life where many people do want to ‘find themselves’ as individuals, especially if they lost themselves in the parenting and working process. And they need to individually figure out how to do this, as well as be an active part of a couple. It can cause tension.
As a part of a couple, we either figure these things out as two individuals, putting our independent selves first, or we put our couple-identity first and trade off some of the individual goals. There’s no right answer. But, I come back to each of the three points above and ask you to look at each, and how to try to achieve all three, for both of you.
It’s very much going to depend on how strong you are as individuals, how well you communicate and how fairly you compromise as to how each of you navigates this to the other one’s satisfaction and, importantly, to your own satisfaction too.
Addressing an age gap
Now let’s look at how it might impact you with a larger age gap, without emotion.
With an age gap, you may find yourselves hitting the prime time of your lives at different times. You may also hit post-euphoria or ‘passive retirement’ at different times too.
Equally, depending on the attitudes and behaviours of each person, you might not too. I know plenty of couples with a large age gap that are doing it really well. In fact, their relationships feel more active and more energetic than other people at the age of the older partner because their vibe is simply younger. But, the biology of ageing eventually happens to all of us. So, while I hate to generalise, I think you need to be aware of each of the following points, talk about them and make your decisions with them in mind:
Think about both your life expectancies, and get perspective.
Contemplate how many years each of you has in good health and when your ‘best years’ will be (your active years and your partners’ active years).
Write down what you each want as individuals in the years ahead - and what the priority for these things is (career, specific travel goals, family, other priorities).
Talk about what you want to do together, and when these things would be ‘best timed’ in life given the risks of health decline for one of you will come sooner than the other (of higher propensity would be the older person, but not always).
Maybe break those best years down into a couple of different phases you want to live out and put some timelines on each if you need to shape a more collective plan with compromises.
Then I want you to talk about what happens if one of you declines in health - will that limit both of you?
I know I’m not handing you the answer - because there is no right answer. Life’s simply what you make of it.
The Epic Retirement Six Week Course
It’s full steam ahead for our How to Have an Epic Retirement Flagship Course which is booking up super well! My publisher and I have been hard at work on the new high quality workbook which is exclusive to course attendees - and it’s ended up 150+ pages in the final typeset manuscript now it’s all laid out and almost ready. So many helpful exercises to do!
The Winter Edition kicks off on the 6th of June. It goes for six weeks. And during the six weeks you’ll get:
✔️ 8.5 hours of high quality online video education - where I deliver 14 modules of content in 100 short bite-sized videos. (People who’ve done the course say they love the bite-sized videos as they are easy to consume). This is dripped in an organised manner over 6 weeks.
✔️ 6 live Q&As with some of the most respected experts in the areas of retirement finances, longevity, fulfilment, and travel. I know our last course attendees really revelled in these sessions, being able to ask all their questions in a peer environment and learn from other people’s questions too.
✔️ A new, exclusive 150+ page workbook.
✔️ A community zone where you can chat with others in the program.
✔️ A group online session led by Bec Wilson on finding your sense of purpose.
✔️ Plus, a signed copy of How to Have an Epic Retirement delivered to you by Australia Post too.
Our live Q&A guests are pictured here. Awesome people to chat with and learn from.
There’s lots more included…. You can download the brochure and book your place here. I am ordering books for our course attendees this week from the publisher, so get your bookings in.
There’s a 25% early bird discount for a limited time.
Booking links:
WINTER EDITION - 6th June - 17th July 2024 - BOOK NOW
SPRING EDITION - 8th August - 18th September 2024 - BOOK NOW
Hope I see you in the course!
There’s lots of cool stuff going on. I coach a cohort of female entrepreneurs at UQ and they graduated from the female founders program last night. So I will soon have more time - which I plan to use to finish off my next book. Yes! It’s coming.
Our Facebook Group, now re-titled “The Epic Retirement Club” is growing like TOPSY! And everyone is talking! As a long-time community gal - I’m in my happy place there. Come along and have a chat - there’s so many conversations to join in on. From today I’ve promised we’re going to have a 66 day health kick because according to the European Journal of Social Psychology it takes on average 66 days to form a new habit. (Or at the very least, everyone there is going to keep me accountable 😁) It’s day-1 today! What are we doing?
1 hour of exercise a day. Ideally, some indoors and some outdoors, and, if you can use the guidelines in my book - incorporating 2 weights sessions a week and 3 balance sessions plus 150 minutes of cardio.
Nutritious healthy eating (we’re going to share ideas). I’m monitoring nutrition using a great free app called Cronometer which breaks down the protein and nutrient content.
And no booze. I don’t drink much these days but it’s all going on hold.
And come July, I think we’ll all be feeling fabulous.
I’ve also been busy writing industry papers on how the financial sector can help people have more epic retirements, which I’ll be presenting later this month. And, we’re preparing a similar view for the housing sector too… so please help me with this survey.
🏡 Take ‘The Epic Retirement Housing Survey’ 🏡
We kicked off a new survey last week. And I ask you all to get in and tell us what you really want from your homes in the second half of life.
It’s a detailed survey designed to help me better understand where you want to live so I can represent that to the property sector better. This industry really wants to know what you want in the next stages of life. They have to build it after all! So dive in and help me out - please.
I’ve added a little prize too… Two people who complete the survey in full, including the competition at the end, will win a $100 VISA card (conditions apply). Complete it now.
🚗 I’m hittin’ the road 🚗
I’m hitting the road for a few different epic retirement education sessions - most are open to people to come along - and when they are, I’ll share them!
I’m on Sydney ABC Radio at 2pm tomorrow talking about how to have an epic retirement. Come have a listen!
I’m speaking at the Association of Independent Retirees event in Noosa in Queensland next Saturday. Bookings are here!
And, I’m headed to Melbourne in two weeks to speak at two events:
The Australian Shareholders Association (ASA) Conference in Melbourne on the 21st May where I’ll be joining a panel for an active discussion about retirement. They’ve got a great deal for the conference + new membership for those who want to attend… check it out!
On the same trip I’m speaking at the Boorondarra library in Melbourne on the 20th May about ‘How to Have an Epic Retirement’… check it out!
So, if you’re in the region, come along. I’m also doing a few corporate presentations to ‘prime time’ staff, as a part of HR, company and industry education programs and there’s a few super fund events coming too. I love doing the speaking and educating on how to have an epic retirement - so if you have somewhere I can make some magic happen, please reach out.
Until next week! Make it epic!
Many thanks! Bec Wilson
Author, podcast host, columnist, retirement educator, and guest speaker
In case you haven’t got a copy yet - you can buy How to Have an Epic Retirement, the book on Amazon and Booktopia and in many of the major bookstores.
Life lessons from Australia’s most trusted GP: Dr Kerryn Phelps
This week I chat with Dr Kerryn Phelps AM, one of Australia's most well-known GP's and health communicators. She's spent her life educating people about health, but she's so much more than a doctor.
Today we’re talking about how we can maintain and optimise our wellbeing in our midlife and retirement. Dr Phelps just released her new book, The Power of Balance this month. And it leads us into a really interesting conversation about how health and health advice has changed, and what’s really important today, as well as a more personal conversation about her own career in health and what she’s learned along the way.
